I've spent the last few months on a lengthy journey of self discovery. Forgiving and accepting but not forgetting. Finding happiness and peace that I have never really had in my adult life. Exploring spirituality and religion that I can believe in. Contemplating and planning for the future. Let me explain a little:
I don't know how many people actually know about the terror I've always held for the number 31. 31 was the age of my mother when she passed. 31 has always been the age that I believed that I also was going to die. I never saw past 31. It was if I never had to plan too far in advance for anything because 31 was slowly sneaking up on me. At 30 I fell into a depression that was hard to pull out of. Everyone seemed to think that I was reacting so dramatically to 30 because I was leaving my 20's and youth and yada yada yada. But really I was thinking about how this would be my last year on earth and all of the regrets that I had, all of the people to apologize to, leaving my family, etc.. This may seem irrational to you but I have ALWAYS believed in the power of 31.
I made a secret deal with myself earlier this year that I was not going to fear the fast approaching 31 but I was going to embrace it. I sat down and really thought about the things that have been swirling around in my head for the last 20 years. I am not my mother. I do not have cancer. I need to make her proud and do everything in life that she was not able to do. I would prove that I can beat 31 and I will live to 32 and beyond with a newfound perspective on life.
Instead of settling for a job that I don't like, I put aside my fears of dying too early and signed up to go back to school for Nursing. I registered for Bio classes (!) and hired a tutor to prepare me during the summer. Now remember that I haven't been in school for 10 years and I don't remember how to study let alone doing it while working full time. I can see 3 years down the road to when I will graduate. 3 years past 31. 34. That's some progress.
I found a church that I believe in and started going about 6 weeks ago. Its a very safe place where I already feel comfortable. I've even been sociable. I went camping with friends and friends of friends and felt relaxed and could carry on a conversation with people I don't really know instead of shrinking to the sidelines. I signed up for a black and white photography class at school also and bought a used old school camera on ebay. I'm making plans to hang out with family I love dearly but sort of lost touch with. I'm doing the Avon Walk and following through with the commitment of raising the money even though that part really sucks.
I smile and enjoy the company of others. I can talk about my feelings and will willingly seek out opinions and advice. I'm figuring out the money situation and TRYING to save money for a condo or house. The idea of buying something has never crossed my mind even though I'm obsessed with "House Hunters". I took a "me" day, went to the city and wandered and hung out at museums. All by myself. I've been maintaining a Google calendar all the way up to December. Way past my self projected death date of August. I'm contemplating actually getting involved in a real relationship, instead of the fake one I've carried on for over 2 years. You know, until 31.
I had a conversation yesterday with my friend Ashley. We discussed my progress and it was nice to hear reinforcement that change in me has begun. My attitude on life is more positive and I'm trying to embrace it and live it to the fullest.
And so I raise my glass to new beginnings and a future, whatever it may hold...
I don't know how many people actually know about the terror I've always held for the number 31. 31 was the age of my mother when she passed. 31 has always been the age that I believed that I also was going to die. I never saw past 31. It was if I never had to plan too far in advance for anything because 31 was slowly sneaking up on me. At 30 I fell into a depression that was hard to pull out of. Everyone seemed to think that I was reacting so dramatically to 30 because I was leaving my 20's and youth and yada yada yada. But really I was thinking about how this would be my last year on earth and all of the regrets that I had, all of the people to apologize to, leaving my family, etc.. This may seem irrational to you but I have ALWAYS believed in the power of 31.
I made a secret deal with myself earlier this year that I was not going to fear the fast approaching 31 but I was going to embrace it. I sat down and really thought about the things that have been swirling around in my head for the last 20 years. I am not my mother. I do not have cancer. I need to make her proud and do everything in life that she was not able to do. I would prove that I can beat 31 and I will live to 32 and beyond with a newfound perspective on life.
Instead of settling for a job that I don't like, I put aside my fears of dying too early and signed up to go back to school for Nursing. I registered for Bio classes (!) and hired a tutor to prepare me during the summer. Now remember that I haven't been in school for 10 years and I don't remember how to study let alone doing it while working full time. I can see 3 years down the road to when I will graduate. 3 years past 31. 34. That's some progress.
I found a church that I believe in and started going about 6 weeks ago. Its a very safe place where I already feel comfortable. I've even been sociable. I went camping with friends and friends of friends and felt relaxed and could carry on a conversation with people I don't really know instead of shrinking to the sidelines. I signed up for a black and white photography class at school also and bought a used old school camera on ebay. I'm making plans to hang out with family I love dearly but sort of lost touch with. I'm doing the Avon Walk and following through with the commitment of raising the money even though that part really sucks.
I smile and enjoy the company of others. I can talk about my feelings and will willingly seek out opinions and advice. I'm figuring out the money situation and TRYING to save money for a condo or house. The idea of buying something has never crossed my mind even though I'm obsessed with "House Hunters". I took a "me" day, went to the city and wandered and hung out at museums. All by myself. I've been maintaining a Google calendar all the way up to December. Way past my self projected death date of August. I'm contemplating actually getting involved in a real relationship, instead of the fake one I've carried on for over 2 years. You know, until 31.
I had a conversation yesterday with my friend Ashley. We discussed my progress and it was nice to hear reinforcement that change in me has begun. My attitude on life is more positive and I'm trying to embrace it and live it to the fullest.
And so I raise my glass to new beginnings and a future, whatever it may hold...
I'm so very proud of you...did I ever tell you my secret number was 22...with all that we went through as kids, I didn't think I'd make it past that. So weird how that stuff happens b/c of events in your life. When I went past that number, I did start to feel 'freer' in my life, if that makes *any* sense!
ReplyDeleteYou rock Andrea! Love and hugs!!!
I'm so excited for you and all the changes you've been making! It's really inspiring. xo
ReplyDeleteThis piece reminded me of a great comedian... Rest In Peace Bill Hicks...
ReplyDeleteIn any event... Here's a little wisdom from the man...
"The world is like a ride at an amusement park. It goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride...” But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. Jesus - murdered; Martin Luther King - murdered; Malcolm X - murdered; Gandhi - murdered; John Lennon - murdered; Reagan... wounded. But it doesn't matter because: It's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace".
I'm so proud of you. My grandfather's siblings all died before they turned 50, so he spent his 50th birthday in bed, waiting to die. That kind of fear, or rather, certainty, is more common than you think. I'm glad to see that not only are you no longer afraid of 31, but that you've given yourself permission to enjoy as long a life as is written for you. Eric's comment reminded me of a song from the show TICK TICK BOOM (written by Jonathan Larson, of RENT fame.) The whole show is about turning 30 and becoming a real adult, and the song says:
ReplyDeleteCages or wings?
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds
Fear or love, baby?
Don't say the answer
Actions speak louder than words
Your actions are shouting! You have come so far and done so much...
I love you, and I am proud to be your friend.